Captain Flak T. Flotsam
Played By Greg Tyler
Species Human
Gender Male
Profile

A Captain of the Astrogalactic Heroes for Hire. Flotsam is brash, daring, confident, and as intelligent as a space slug. He thinks he can win over any woman in the galaxy, although he has yet to win over anyone. Flak constantly but unsuccessfully flirts with all the women aboard the ship, including Six of One, whom he calls "Sixy." Flotsam has the amazing ability to miss the obvious.

Flak believes in the right of all life forms to practice their own culture and beliefs. He also believes in the Prime Objective, to interfere with cultures as much as necessary in order to make sure that their cultures and belief systems are correct.

Every now and then, Flak Flotsam detours to planet Dingaling to train under Master Gnome-da to become a Joker Knight. Gnome-da taught Flak many hand-to-hand attacks, which often result in greater injury to Flak than to the offender.

Flak is a hyperspace Internet auction addict. The crew probably wouldn't have to work so hard to make money if Flak weren't constantly wasting it on useless junk.

Major Dinero Fleece
Played By Eunice McAleer
Species Bizarran
Gender Female
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Ship's first officer and account manager. Dinero's people, the Bizarrans, only recently gained their freedom after decades of enslavement by the Dumbassians. A former underground freedom fighter, Dinero now occupies her time by capitalizing on every opportunity to make lots of money.

Dinero routinely and secretly skims money off of the crew's earnings. When she's confronted about it, she says that she's just sending the money back to Bizarra to feed starving Bizarrans. In reality, she's using the cash to help complete her collection of Cosmic Beanbag Critters.

Captain Flotsam can never remember whether to refer to Dinero as "Number One" or "Number Two."

Montgomery "Monty" MacGuffin
Played By Terry Willacker
Species Human
Gender Male
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Ship's chief engineer and a slouch. Monty does nothing but play with video games and read comic books. He knows nothing about engineering; he fooled the crew into thinking he was an engineer so that he could get free room and board. He'd be just as much at home in a cave as aboard a starship...so long as he had his video games and comic books. Monty spends most of his time loafing in the ship's Jethro Tubes. When asked what he does there, he always claims to be working on the ship.

Amazingly Monty has earned a reputation aboard the Millisecond Canary as a miracle worker. Whenever something breaks, he always manages to fix it without knowing what he did, or how he did it.

Equally amazing is that Monty's fringed plaid blanket and horribly faked accent have convinced the crew that he's Scottish.

Gummia Snax
Played By Ina Kratzsch
Species Swill
Gender Female
Profile

Science officer, recently transferred from space station BS 5-9. Like many members of the Swill species, Gummia Snax has mentally bonded with a gummi worm that lives inside her. Unfortunately, the rainbow-colored worm (the Snax symbiont) doesn't want to live inside of Gummia's body, so it constantly tries to climb out of her ears, nose, or mouth. (This will be filmed to be funny, not gross.)

Gummia Snax has a complex personality -- she's part young woman, part old gummi worm. Gummia can often be found doing activities normally associated with elderly people, like playing Bingo or soaking a set of dentures even though she doesn't wear dentures.

Flak flirts with Gummia constantly. His flirting sessions usually come to an abrupt end when the Snax symbiont begins to creep out Gummia's nose.

Lieutenant Thugg
Played By Harlene Geier
Species Klinger
Gender Female
Profile

The Millisecond Canary's chief of security. A member of the Klinger species, Thugg demonstrates in every episode that she is a warrior to the end. She dies, loses a limb, or disintegrates in every show. Interestingly, Thugg seems to be the only person aboard the Millisecond Canary who leaves Medibay in better shape than when she enters.

Thugg is proud of her Klinger heritage. Like the rest of her people, she wears granny dresses, hates bathing, takes a mate every six years, meditates, and butts other people's foreheads for fun.

The rest of the Canary crew occasionally jab at Thugg behind her back for being a tad on the short side, but one growl from Thugg usually shuts them up. When a growl doesn’t work, one of her guns always does.

Doctor Six of One
Played By Peg Feldhaus
Species Billg
Gender Female
Profile

A cyborg and the ship's medical officer, Six of One has the bedside manner of Wednesday Addams. A former drone of the cybernetic Billg, Six of One's body is full of microgremlins that occasionally escape and wreak havoc on the ship. Six's Medibay is a chamber of horrors: many enter, few leave. If Six of One is away from the ship, the Emergency Medical Shadowpuppet assumes the role of chief medical officer.

Six had been converted to a Billg drone at age six, when her father purchased an EBM-compatible computer that ran Windolt, an operating system produced by the Billg. Since being freed from the Billg Nethive, Six has had to rediscover her humanity. Six's years as part of the Nethive seem to have had some permanent effect on her. She speaks without any vocal inflection; she might say something like "I'm so happy I could pop" in the same tone that she'd say that there's nothing on TV. Six has feelings - she just talks as if she doesn't.

Six's passion is her torture-chamber style of practicing medicine. When not in medibay, she can occasionally be found in the ship's lounge, singing karaoke. Surprisingly the lounge is almost always empty when she's singing karaoke.

Six of One's best friend aboard the ship is Doodad. They often play three-dimensional dominos, and get into heated, personal, but deadpan arguments.

Doodad
Played By Christina Boehm
Species Robot
Gender Female (We think. Her/its voice is awfully high!)
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A robot know-it-all. Like a curious child, Doodad strives to learn all she can about humanity. Like the Professor on Gilligan's Island, Doodad seems to know something about everything. Like Inspector Gadget, Doodad is full of useful gizmos. Like a vacuum cleaner, the Millisecond Canary's crew get her out of her storage closet when they need her, bang her into walls all too often, blame her when something goes wrong, and then ungraciously shove her back into the closet at the end of the day.

Doodad takes almost everything both literally and out of context. If told to raise shields, for example, she might find a medieval shield and raise it to protect her face.

Doodad has an on/off switch on her back that she tries to keep secret. When forced to reveal its existence to one of Millisecond Canary's officers, she makes them swear to secrecy. Naturally though, everyone learns of it, and makes a point to slap Doodad on the back whenever they get a chance.

When the Millisecond Canary's chief engineer is unavailable, Doodad will often be the one who repairs or maintains the ship. Doodad often asks about the human condition, but, since the rest of the crew considers her a walking tin can, they often ignore her or feed her false information.

Doodad's best friend aboard the ship is Six of One. They often play three-dimensional dominos, and get into heated, personal, but deadpan arguments.

Chip Johnson
Played By Chris Bowles
Species Human
Gender Male
Profile

A naive, wet-behind-the-ears pilot fresh out of the Academy. Chip idolizes Flotsam in much the same way that a son idolizes his father. To Flotsam's chagrin, Chip seems to have a lot more luck with women. Chip points out the show's many plot holes, mischaracterizations, and inconsistencies. Chip also seems to be the only person with any awareness that Monty might not be the ambitious genius that he appears to be. Flotsam and the crew usually shrug Chip's comments off as being due to his lack of experience.